★ but I'm going to be okay as long as you're beside me along the way

[complexguy]

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[dharmalady]

"We're okay," she promises, even managing the barest hint of a smile.

"Are you going back out today?"

[complexguy]

"No. Ain't been sleeping good, think I might close my eyes a minute on the couch," he admits softly.

[dharmalady]

"You should sleep in the bed, James. At least while I'm not using it."

She knows he won't toss her out there at night, but maybe when it's just a nap.

[complexguy]

He debates protesting for a minute, but decides not to. It's the middle of the day, there's no harm in it, and his back is killing him. "I'll take ya up on it, then," he gives her a soft smile. "Can you get me in a little while? Don't wanna sleep more than half an hour."

[dharmalady]

"Why?" she asks automatically in confusion, unsure why she shouldn't let him sleep a little longer than that. Especially if he needs it.

"None of us are exactly juggling social calendars right now."

[complexguy]

He shrugs a little. "In case y'all need me." The problem is that he just can't seem to really let himself relax; he feels responsible for these people, and especially Juliet. Which is damn stupid, considering she lived here for over three years and he's seen her in action. But he begged her to stay here, and he feels like he can't be completely at ease for long.

"And so I don't screw up any sleep I might get tonight."

[dharmalady]

Juliet steps closer, her voice soft.

"You need real sleep, James. At least sleep a full hour."

She knows what he's trying to do, and it just makes her believe what she thinks about him even more.

[complexguy]

He lets out a breath, eyes locking on to hers for a long while. "Alright. An hour. Then you come and get me."

[dharmalady]

"I promise," she says with a soft smile, then nudges him toward the room.

The sheets are still rumpled, and the pillows are arranged as such that it's clear she was curled around one, holding it against her chest.

While he sleeps, she reads, and as promised, she's knocking softly after an hour.

[complexguy]

He takes note of the pillow, where it looks like she was holding on tightly. She’s just as lonely as he is, and it’s another reminder that they understand each other.

The moment his head hits the pillow, he’s out, laying on his stomach because it helps his back. When she knocks, she’ll find him still sleeping, with one arm around the pillow she’d been holding against her chest.

When he doesn’t respond, she opens the door and peeks her head inside. Smiling, just a little, she goes to sit on the edge of the bed and tentatively reaches out to rest a hand on his shoulder, speaking quietly.

“James, wake up. Been an hour.”

He grunts a little, but starts to shift, eventually rolling on to his back. He didn’t think he’d actually sleep that whole time, but he already feels a little better.

“Guess I needed it,” he smirks a little, sitting up slowly.

“Sometimes I know what I’m talking about,” she says with another small smile. “Two nights in a house and you forget your humble beginnings on a beach camp.”

Juliet smiles again, then stands. “Dinner in the cafeteria if you want in. DHARMA lasagna, sounds terrible but I’m curious.”

He stands up with her, tugging on a clean button-down shirt. “Anything sounds good right about now.”

He’s starving, so he’s just happy to have anything. Heading with her to the mess hall, James takes a seat across from her once they have their trays of food, digging in eagerly. “Better than anything I’ve had in a while.”

She has to admit, it isn’t bad. As she lifts the fork to her lips, nodding in agreement, she pauses, eyes over James’s shoulder and focused on someone else. Young Benjamin Linus, staring right back at her, and Juliet loses whatever appetite she had.

“The hell are you-” But then he stops eating as well, following her gaze before looking back at her. “That Ben?”

Juliet nods, finally looking back at James. “That’s him.” The boy who’ll grow up to trap her here. The room feels too small, and she stands.

“I’m sorry, I need--I’m going back to the house, I’ll see you there.” She knows she must seem all over the damn place to him, but she wasn’t ready for this.

He stands up quickly to follow her, catching up with her and resting a hand lightly at her back as they walk together. Leaning in close to speak to her, he keeps his voice down but has to ask. “You okay?”

No, she isn’t, and she’d rather be drunk again before going into this now. She doesn’t even know how to say it, looking up at him with no mask, no filter. Just sheer desperation and sadness. Something clicks though, and she speaks, though mostly to herself.

“That’s what Harper meant, she said I looked ‘just like her’ and I always thought--”

Sorry, James. Juliet’s having a moment.

“Let’s get inside,” he gently guides her back to their temporary housing for now. Once they’re inside, he sits with her in the bedroom so they’ll have some privacy.

“Slow down a little. There’s things I don’t know. Who the hell’s Harper?”

Juliet takes a deep breath, gripping the edge of the bed from where she’s sitting.

“Goodwin’s wife. She was a therapist. That doesn’t matter, it’s--she told me I looked like someone Ben cared about. I didn’t think twice about it but it was me, James. It’s always been me.” She reminded him of herself, and she realizes there’s one key piece of the story James needs to know.

“Ben wanted me here. He kept me here because he--” Juliet can’t even say it, just looking at him, the words stuck in her throat.

His eyes widen, almost frenzied and anxious as he tries to figure out what to do. He’s up and pacing a little as he thinks.

“Well, what the hell - I gotta keep ya away from him.” He has to protect her, no matter what. Of course, he’s not even thinking about the consequences that could have on the future.

It’s his statement, that he has to keep her away from him that forces Juliet to take a deep breath, to try and stave off whatever this panic attack is.

“James,” she says quietly, closing her eyes for a second and looking up at him. “I’m already here. If anything changed, if we kept Ben from knowing who I was somehow, then I wouldn’t be here now.”

She rubs her forehead. Time travel really is a bitch.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you panic,” she apologizes, taking another deep breath. She’d had a terrified reaction to a ten year old kid. Tells herself she needs to get it together.

"You gotta stop sayin' sorry for things that ain't your fault," he says gently. "He may be a kid, but we know what he grows up to be. What he did to you. Hard not to wanna put miles between you and him."

[dharmalady]

Juliet sighs softly, leaning over and pressing her face against her hands as she tries to just breathe.

"Well," she finally begins. "I do think this means one thing is true." She looks at him, studying his face.

"I think this means we're here longer than two weeks."

How long does it take for a boy to become obsessed with someone?

[complexguy]

"That what you really want, Juliet?" He gets it, there's the time travel shit to think about, but he's more concerned with her right now than anything else.

Standing up, James shuts the bedroom door, just making absolutely sure Miles or Jin won't pass by and listen in. Then he stands in front of her, speaking softly. He'd thought about this last night, but it didn't seem the right time to say it, so.

"Listen. I'm the one who made you stay. You been pushed around your whole damn life, Juliet. Ain't been able to make one decision for your own self. Ain't been free," he breathes out with a soft sigh. "If you're gonna be here, it's gotta be your choice. Not mine."

[dharmalady]

Juliet looks at him, stunned, suprised by him for a second (or third?) time. She doesn't even know what to say at first, her mouth opening and then closing again. She's looking up at him, he's blurry now, and she looks back down, hair falling in front of her face.

She hasn't had a choice in years, and now, here it is, from someone she's sure used to hate her, and now doesn't want to be on the island without her. It's a hell of a thing. He has no idea what his offer has done to her, and she bites on the inside of her cheek before finally speaking again.

"What am I gonna do in 1974 with no identity?" Juliet tentatively reaches out, her fingers resting against his wrist.

"You were right. On the dock. You were right, and I could leave, but there's nothing to go to."

[complexguy]

He's never just been touched like this before, and he looks down at her fingers against his wrist, not wanting to move. He's been grabbed roughly plenty of times, he's been yelled at, he's been looked at with disgust for the things he's done.

But when Juliet looks at him, she's looking at him, at the parts of himself he didn't know existed anymore, or could exist. Somehow, in all of this mess, she's helping him find the man he never figured he could be, but wants to be. He wouldn't know how the hell to even say that to her, but he's damn certain he never wants her to let go.

"Can't promise anything here, Juliet. I don't know what happens next, but if you stick with me, I'll see ya through this," he promises.

[dharmalady]

She's never had anyone either; not a friend, not someone who has her best interest in mind, not anyone who would do anything but use her. Her grip on him tightens in nothing but gratitude as she closes her eyes.

"Can I admit something to you?"

[complexguy]

He moves to sit beside her again, but he's careful not to lose that grip she has on him. "You tell me," he encourages with a soft smile, squeezing her hand.

[dharmalady]

"I really needed a break from that fucking jungle," she breathes out, smiling at him, still holding onto him.

He was right to let her sleep in, to not go out.

"But if I'm going to be here, I need you here, too. Okay?"

[complexguy]

That gets a laugh from him, because he gets it, he really does. He also gets what she's saying without saying it; they just get each other, and he nods in affirmation.

"You got me, Blondie. Goes both ways, though."

[dharmalady]

She smiles at his laugh, then squeezes his arm gently.

"You've got me."

When she lets go, she ignores that she feels untethered for a moment, not knowing what that means, and instead laments the abrupt ending of their supper.

"We can back. To the mess hall, if you want, actually eat. I'm okay."

[complexguy]

"Nah, you stay here. I'll talk to H, tell him you needed to come lay down, but see if he don't mind me bringing' some food back." He can't imagine there would be an issue, but if they want to stay here, he's gonna play as nice as possible and follow the rules.

[dharmalady]

No one has ever just taken care of her before, and for a second when she looks at James, she forgets to stop looking so affected by his kindness. But the flash of genuine surprise at his offer is gone in a blink, and Juliet nods.

"Thank you," she says gratefully, quietly glad to not be going. He seems to know when she just needs a minute, and for that, she's grateful, too.

[complexguy]

Some part of him wants to stay right there, close to her, to see if she might touch his wrist again. Maybe bringing her some food back warrants it.

Why in hell does he care if she touches him again?

Focusing on her face for a moment, he notes the way she quickly tries to mask what looks like gratitude on her face, but he doesn't call attention to it.

Instead, a little distracted with thoughts of her, James just nods with a little smile. "I'll see if I can steal some of that chocolate puddin', too." With a wink, he's gone.

About ten minutes later, he's back with a tray of food for them to share, along with some chocolate pudding.

[dharmalady]

She sits with him at the small kitchen table, eating quietly. She doesn't have much to say, but she's content at least. Alcohol definitely loosens her tongue, but for the most part, she's not very talkative. Doesn't know if she ever has been, but she likes this. Likes that he doesn't try to get her to talk, and when they do have a conversation, it always feels as though it means something. As if every word he says, even if it's just 'pudding,' matters.

When she dives into the pudding, she takes a bite and hums, turning the spoon over in her mouth.

"Say what you want about DHARMA. They make a mean chocolate pudding."

[complexguy]

"Makes all the time travel worth it, don't it?" He smirks with amusement at her. But, he obviously agrees, given the way he's tearing through his bowl of pudding like a man possessed.

James doesn't even take notice much of how much she talks. She talks when she's comfortable, when she has something to say, and when she doesn't, he finds the silence between them actually comfortable. Peaceful. He never feels like they have to fill the silence.

[dharmalady]

Somehow, even with four people under the same roof, she and James manage to get into an easy rhythm of going out together, looking for someone, for anything, and then heading back. Jin and Miles search in a different direction, but every day is the same.

They've made themselves useful as well, in other ways. After talking with Richard, Juliet knows Hoarace regards James with a little more respect, and at the end of two weeks when the sub returns, its with about fifteen new recruits. And because they've been useful, the invitation is extended to James, Juliet, Jin, and Miles to stay.

With nowhere else to go, it's a pretty easy decision.

Once it's decided, they all separate for their job assignments and new housing; James and Juliet in one house, Miles and Jin in the other. They reunite at the new recruit party, though until she sees James, Juliet keeps to herself in a corner, just watching. There's a pink lei around her neck and one of the perkier women had put a matching pink flower right behind her ear.

She feels ridiculous, but she doesn't remove it.