★ but I'm going to be okay as long as you're beside me along the way

[complexguy]

Comments

[complexguy]

He tries to imagine leaving this island, and then parting ways with her, and for some reason, he just can't handle that thought for long. He's also not sure he ever wants to leave the island, but he hesitates saying that because he knows she does.

"Told ya, Blondie. We're all we've got."

[dharmalady]

She doesn't know what to think of how that comment warms her, or how him liking her well enough to want her around makes her feel.

Somewhere along the line she'd just accepted she would always be the Other, but James is treating her as everything but.

"I came out here to get drunk because maybe for the first time in three years, the idea of leaving this island is more depressing than staying."

[complexguy]

He knows she's pretty buzzed right now, but she's coherent enough that he hopes these words sink in. "Whatever happens, I got your back."

[dharmalady]

Juliet's quiet for so long, and her eyes are closed as she leans against him, so it'd be easy to assume she fell asleep. But she didn't and she finally speaks again.

"You'd be the first."

[complexguy]

"There ain't much I've ever done I'm proud of. Ain't a good person. But I'm tryin', you know. To be better. And when I say you got me, I mean it," he says firmly, making a promise to himself to never let her down.

[dharmalady]

Her chin involuntarily trembles, and she tightens her face into a mask, she hopes. Hopes he can't even really see her features.

"We've come a long way from an attempted interrogation over a medical kit."

[complexguy]

She may try to hide it, but he doesn't miss the way her face transforms, the way she tries to hide. He gets it, how vulnerable it can be to show that side of yourself. It's why he can understand, and why he won't ever push her. He's hidden his own self for so damn long. Even with Kate, he never felt free to just be. He always had to hide some parts of himself, and he always had to worry he'd be second best.

He doesn't know everything Juliet's been through, but she's told him enough. He knows she hasn't really been able to live her own life in so long. She's been trapped here, she's been manipulated. When was the last time she got to just make her own damn choices? And here he was, talking her in to staying behind, and taking away her choice again.

He knows what he has to do, but that'll wait until she's sobered up tomorrow. For now, he softly asks, "Tell me somethin'. Tell me the last moment you were really happy."

[dharmalady]

Really happy? She can go ahead and forget about the last three years. She knows what it is immediately but doesn't say anything for a long time. She draws back from James and wraps her arms around herself. Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

"The day my sister told me she was pregnant. She was barren, from the chemo. I'd been working on a fertility drug and it worked to get a male field mouse pregnant. Caught the attention of a Mr. Alpert. But the week before I came here, Rachel told me she was pregnant, and I don't think I've been happy since that day."

Her voice fades and she looks down, picking at her fingernails as she blinks back tears. And then she puts her face in her hands and cries.

[complexguy]

He didn't want to hurt her, he didn't set out to make her cry specifically, but he knows from experience that sometimes you just gotta let it all go. She needed that, and he pushed a little only because he knew he'd be right here to help her through it. Just like she pushed him to talk about Kate; he didn't want to but he needed to.

Shifting a little closer, James wraps an arm around her, keeping a hand on her back. He wants her to know he's right here, and that she's not alone.

[dharmalady]

Juliet sinks against him and just cries; this is the most vulnerable she's been in years, her careful Other persona slipping away. She doesn't even know who she is anymore.

Maybe she'll figure that out now.

When she finally stops, she sniffles, takes a deep breath and lets it out shakily.

"I'm sorry. God, I should go to bed."

[complexguy]

"You're gonna feel better with some sleep," he murmurs softly. He's trying to think of something else to say, something more to say that might be comforting, but he's not good at this and he knows it. All he can think to do is keep his arm around her until she's ready to move. Then, he helps her to stand, keeping her steady and leading her to the bedroom.

"I'll see you in the morning, Juliet."

[dharmalady]

In the doorway of her room, she looks at him, eyes moving over his face slowly.

God, she's drunk, and she wets her lips, finally finding her words.

"Whatever you think about yourself, you're a good person, James." Reaching out, for just a second, her hand presses to his chest before she abruptly drops her hand.

"Goodnight. See you in the morning."

And with that, she quietly closes the door.

[complexguy]

He glances down at her hand on his chest for a moment, too stunned to do anything about it right now. But then she's pulling back, and he gives her a little nod.

"See ya in the morning."

It's the most honest and vulnerable conversation he's had in a long time, and he has no idea how much she'll even remember tomorrow, but it's meant a lot to him.

Settling in on the couch, he gets comfortable and eventually sleeps. In the morning, he tries to make breakfast but fails miserably. Still, he puts together a plate of overcooked bacon and eggs and burnt toast with the burnt exterior scraped off, only because it was the last two slices of bread and he doesn't wanna bother anyone just yet for more. He leaves the plate on the counter with a simple not just saying he's gone out looking for their people again and he'll be back later.

[dharmalady]

The first thing she realizes when she wakes up is that she's dying of thirst, and she dresses, finding the food and drinking water first. Then she sees the note and immediately goes to see if Jin and Miles are home. They are.

"You let him go out alone?" she asks in alarm.

"Why? It's not like he can't get through the jungle alone, he's a big boy now," Miles snarks, and it just irritates her, so she walks away and pokes at the burnt food. She does eat it, though. Then she paces. She stands in the window, then winds up on the porch, and there she stays with a book she isn't reading.

A part of her wants to head out into the jungle after him, but she doesn't know which way he went, so she just waits, not even sure why she's so worried.

She just thought they were supposed to be doing it together.

[complexguy]

James gets back a few hours later, rolling up to their little shared house so casually. He smiles at her as he strolls up. "Hey there, Blondie. Feelin' alright today?"

The closer he gets, though, he realizes there's something wrong, and he's not sure what she might say.

[dharmalady]

"Why did you go out alone?" she asks, so relieved to see him that she launches herself up from the steps and has to stop herself from marching right up to him.

"Why didn't you take Miles or Jin with you?"

[complexguy]

"Got up before everyone. Y'all were sleepin' in today and I wanted to get a move on," he explains softly, but he realizes instantly she's not happy with that. He just can't figure out why.

"I do somethin' wrong?"

[dharmalady]

She looks over him, obviously looking for any kind of injury at all.

"I thought I was supposed to have your back out there?"

Juliet just looks at him, unsure why she's so upset, why she's angry. "You know what's out there."

[complexguy]

He wasn't expecting this kind of reaction at all, this level of intensity from her when it comes to his well-being.

"You do got my back," he assures her. "Hell, sweetheart, I thought I was doin' a good thing. You damn near drank that whole bottle of rum last night, didn't figure you'd be awake until late."

[dharmalady]

Juliet just stares at him, that Other mask slipping back into place.

"You don't get to ask me to stay with you and then go running off in the jungle alone like there aren't a hundred things that could--"

She stops, then just turns to go inside.

[complexguy]

"Juliet, come on-" He huffs as he follows her inside quickly. "Don't walk away from me."

He's never been in a place to be demanding a chance at a rational conversation, but he is now. He also doesn't know how to feel about her being worried about him; he's not used to it at all.

"I'm..." What's the right thing to say here? "I'm sorry, alright?"

[dharmalady]

She turns to look at him again.

"Alright."

It isn't rational to be this angry, and she pushes a hand through her hair. "You didn't find anyone?"

In other words, was everything fine?

[complexguy]

"No one."

He's racking his brain trying to figure out how he misstepped here. Mostly he's just worried he's fucked everything up because he's pretty damn good at that, and nothing else really.

He thought, for once, he was doing a good thing by letting her sleep.

"Look, I'm sorry, Juliet," he repeats. "Won't happen again."

[dharmalady]

He was, is the thing; she needed the sleep, she needed the break from the jungle, but for a second, she thought he'd gone, that someone else had left her behind.

"It's okay. I'm...sorry, too, for over-reacting. Thank you. For breakfast, I mean. That was nice." Even if it was burnt.

She knows that was an over-reaction, and she wants things to go back to being easy.

"I'm allowed to worry about one of three people I actually know in this decade."

[complexguy]

He's never been worried about before, it's a new feeling for him. But he knows he would have been worried about her, too.

"We okay?" That's all he needs to know. That's the most important thing.